2009 Pond Hockey: Un Imperiu Se Naste

[XYZ]

As the days of the year get shorter...our flame gets brighter.

Team RC: All dump...no chase.

[XYZ]

A little over a month ago USA Hockey held a media conference call introducing the USA Hockey Hall of Fame class of 2008. Announced inductees were Brett Hull, Brian Leetch, Cammi Granato and Mike Richter. Before the call got underway, however, USA Hockey announced a last second inductee – Team Rowdy Crowd. After a five minute scramble to get Team RC members on the line, the call commenced.

Transcript as follows:

Moderator: I’d like to thank everyone for joining us. I’d especially like to thank Brett Hull, Brian Leetch, Cammi Granato and Mike Richter for being with us today, and I’d like to congratulate them on being inducted into the USA Hockey Hall of Fame. Wait, hold on one second…

Moderator {muffled}: Who the hell is that?

Moderator: I’d also like to welcome Team Rowdy Crowd even though I don’t know who they are.

XYZ: Excuse me, but I’ll just point out that we are legends, and perhaps the greatest pond hockey team ever to take to the frozen sheet. You guys know our all-time record is 2-7, right? We do have big plans for ’09, though.

Brett Hull: Am I seriously wasting my time to put up with this? Who are these guys?

XYZ: Stick a sock in it, Hull.

Brett Hull: Any more out of you and I’ll break your furniture. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.

Moderator: If you guys don’t mind, I will ask the questions here. For the media listening in, please remember that you must press zero to buzz in if you have a question you would like asked. Our first question comes from Todd Milewski of the Wisconsin State Journal.

Milewski: Yeah, this question is for Mike Richter. First of all, congratulations Mike, and as far as your career went how important do you think it was that you played college hockey? Was there anything unique or especially helpful about that experience?

Richter: Absolutely. I think it was very special to—

Wormser {interrupting}: Yeah, I have a question for Brett Hull.

Moderator: Will you please let Mr. Richter finish his answer?

Wormser: No. And it’s actually more of a comment than a question. Brett, your foot was in the crease. That is all.

Moderator: Wait a second, who are you?

XYZ: What do you care who he is? We are everywhere. Deal with it. Maybe a better question would be who are YOU?

Moderator: I work for USA Hockey, and we are trying—

XYZ: In that case, start asking us questions. We’re running this show now. We’ve been in USA Hockey magazine more times than Hull, anyway.

Moderator: Ok, fine. So why exactly are you guys being inducted into the USA Hockey Hall of Fame?

XYZ: Simply put, because we are awesome. A more detailed explanation would include that we are three time participants in the Labatt Blue/USA Hockey Pond Hockey Championships, a tournament legend, the only team that has numerous other teams show up to cheer for us, and the fact we drink more than any other team even though Ed can’t drink worth a crap. So like I said, we are awesome.

Moderator: You mentioned that Team Rowdy Crowd is 2-7 in three years…that’s not very good.

XYZ: That’s what you think. We aren’t very concerned with your “facts”. We don’t study history…we make history, which is exactly what we’ll be doing this February. Quite frankly, you wouldn’t understand our legend if it was outside in the parking lot taking a dump on the hood of your car; which in about five minutes is going to be exactly what it is doing.

Moderator: Your lack of tact aside, you say you will make history this February. How so?

XYZ: We are going to win the national championship.

Moderator: You’re sure of this?

Wormser: Yes.

Moderator: How can you be so sure?

Wormser: I wear a half-shield. You should know that by definition that makes me unstoppable. Plus we have Caveman.

Moderator: Who is Caveman?

XYZ: Your ignorance astounds us.

Caveman: Chip-pers Truck-ing!!!!!!!

Moderator: What the hell was that?

XYZ: Caveman.

Wormser: People also need to realize that an autographed Team RC stick hangs at a bar in Minocqua, we’ve been in USA Hockey Magazine, The Green Bay Press Gazette, two Labatt Blue TV commercials and probably some other big time places. There are so many we can’t even remember. Oh, we also have a couple of sweet videos on youtube, and Caveman once humped the Mullet Cup.

Moderator: Really?

XYZ: What part of awesome didn’t you get the first time?

Moderator: So back to the hockey. You guys are 2-7 all-time but are guaranteeing a national title. Isn’t that a little cocky?

XYZ: Yes, but that’s how we roll. We did go 2-1 last year and are only going to be better this time around. We’ve been doing grinders since last March. Team Rowdy Crowd will never run out of gas before its opponent. We’ve spent the last year turning our team of fatasses into a well-oiled machine.

Wormser: Well, all of us except Caveman. He doesn’t really do anything aside from yell and then fall over.

Moderator: So why is he on the team?

XYZ: Every team needs a thumper.

Wormser: The bottom line is this. We have four and a half legitimate offensive weapons, we’re going to be in shape, and we have purple and gold ballbags the size of Hull’s ego. We are unstoppable.

Brett Hull: Let me interrupt here because talking a lot is what I do best. After listening to this, I’m totally jacked that you guys are being inducted the same year I am. So let me ask you this: Do you guys need a coach? I think it would be a blast to come up there and coach you guys to the title.

Wormser: No.

XYZ: Go back to jiggling Roenick’s sack and leave us alone you piece of crap.

Moderator: Are there any more questions?

XYZ: The only question left to answer is by how many goals we win the title.

Caveman: Chip-pers Truck-ing!!!!

[XYZ]

Has the rest of the team died?

[Wormser]

So I was thinking about people who suck, brett hull, and I too wonder where our team is?

Team RowdyCrowd: Bigger, Stronger, Faster or Smaller, Weaker, Slower?

[caveman]

Well, definitely bigger...

[XYZ]

Earlier today I was wondering if we ever rub people the wrong way. As in, do people every get turned off by our arrogance? Then I realized the RC prides itself on being honest...which means we have every right to be arrogant.

It's beautiful.

[caveman]

I forgot that the Labbat Pond Hockey ads run out here. So everyone has seen the Rowdy Crowd and is ecstatic to be meeting an actual member of the team.

[Nicoli]

"Very Nice...you guys have way too much time on your hands...Hopefully I'll be around here more"....whispers a ghost from the past

[Wormser]

So I was thinking today, there is no way we don't win our three games. I will it.

[XYZ]

Olaf is a big fan of the RC.

[XYZ]

Oct 8, 2008 11:53:40 GMT -5 Nicoli said:

"Very Nice...you guys have way too much time on your hands...Hopefully I'll be around here more"....whispers a ghost from the past

It's not that we have too much time on our hands. It's that this is how we choose to use what time we do have.

Aside: The soundtrack for the '09 National Title video is falling into place nicely...

[XYZ]

Team RC: Street legal and more enlightening than acid

[caveman]

Team Rowdy Crowd: Putting your future in an oblong box.

[caveman]

Here comes the lumber...

[XYZ]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sybrvDiJm8o